


Picking Up the Pieces

by JudyL



Series: My Sentinel Universe [2]
Category: The Sentinel (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-08-17 15:05:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16518794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JudyL/pseuds/JudyL
Summary: This picks up as Jim and Blair are leaving the station at the end of TSbyBS. Original post date June 23, 2003





	Picking Up the Pieces

**Author's Note:**

> This picks up as Jim and Blair are leaving the station at the end of TSbyBS. Original post date June 23, 2003

Day 0

It was the silence that worried Jim. Blair had declared himself a fraud to the entire world to protect Ellison's secret. The fact that he was a Sentinel. A man with five enhanced senses that allowed him to see, hear, smell, taste and feel better that the average human.

Blair had spent half of his life, fifteen years, searching for proof that Sentinels existed. He'd found Detective James Ellison, at the end of his rope, desperate for help. Desperate to believe someone could help him with his out-of-control senses. Even a neo-hippie witch doctor was better than no help at all.

Of course over the years Blair had become much more than someone who could explain the Sentinel phenomenon. He'd become first a teacher, helping Jim get control over his senses, then a roommate, and finally, what had surprised Jim at the time was how quickly they'd become friends.

Blair had spent every free second of his time, when he wasn't teaching or taking a class at Rainier, trying to help Jim with his Sentinel abilities. And he'd succeeded, sometimes making things up on the fly, but Blair had managed to keep Jim sane and in control.

After a while, Jim had even started thinking of Sandburg as his partner. It had been an enemy, Lee Brackett, who had given Blair the title of Guide to the Sentinel and Incacha who had named Blair Shaman.

Jim shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. Blair stared silently out the passenger window. The younger man had regained some of his normal spunk after their very brief chat while they checked on Simon and Megan at the hospital, but then things had gotten crazy. Zeller's attack on the station and subsequent fall from the roof. Then they'd taken several officers to the hospital for gun shot wounds, including Jim.

Blair had gone home after Jim was settled into his hospital room and Jim had only seen him a few times over the next few days when Blair visited him and the others in the hospital. They'd surprised him at the station a few hours ago with the offer of a Detective's badge.

Captain Simon Banks had talked to the Commissioner after finding out about Blair's press conference. Simon had called the man from his hospital room and asked for a meeting, he realized Sandburg's situation needed to be explained fast, before the kid did something drastic like taking off.

With Jim's permission and a promise to the Commissioner to demonstrate at a later date, Simon had told the brass that Jim was a Sentinel and that Sandburg had only been protecting Ellison. Blair was a necessary part of the team. Not only did he help Jim with his senses, Blair had helped make the Major Crime unit a family. As such they worked better together and closed more cases than any other unit in the state.

Fortunately, the proof was in the number of solved cases and increased arrests on the books since Blair had started observing at the PD. The brass agreed that Sandburg was an asset to the department and a deal was struck.

Blair could go to the police academy, no haircut required (Simon insisted, knowing how much it would mean to Sandburg). He had to complete the courses and pass the self-defense and firearms courses. If he did this, Sandburg would be promoted to Detective and partnered with Ellison in Major Crimes.

They'd all agreed that with a Bachelor and Masters degree, plus his experience as an observer over the last four years, that Blair had easily earned the promotion. Some people wouldn't see it that way, but then, they weren't being asked.

Blair had been unaware of the effort his friends made on his part. His surprise at the offer made Jim feel even guiltier for the sacrifice his Guide had made.

Jim parked the truck and turned off the ignition. "Chief?"

Blair met his questioning gaze with a sigh. "Not now, Jim. I need a little time. Okay?"

"Sure, Chief. Whatever you want." They exited the truck and headed up to the loft. Jim watched his friend… best friend… walk ahead of him. If he didn't know it was Blair in front of him, he might not recognize the man.

The bounce was gone from his step.

Jim frowned. _Did you ever tell him how much you appreciate his sacrifice? You schmuck! Your best friend in the world is obviously hurting here. Talk to him._

They entered the loft. Blair headed back to his room.

"Blair?"

Sandburg turned around and held up his hands. "Jim, I really just need some time to process. I don't want to talk yet."

"We need to talk, Chief. I need to tell you…"

"Please, Jim? Not tonight," Blair's voice cracked with emotion. He sent a pleading look at his partner then turned and went into his room closing the doors behind him.

Jim sighed and limped over to the refrigerator. He wasn't really hungry. A beer would be good, but he couldn't drink with his medication. He grabbed a bottle of water and went to sit on the couch.

__

We're gonna talk, Chief. We can't keep making the same mistakes. I can't lose you again. I want you in my life.

Jim looked up surprised to see Blair come around and sit beside him.

"Jim, I need to get out of here for a while."

"What do you mean?" Jim whispered, fear creeping into his heart.

"I need to get away," Blair said standing and motioning with his arms. "Away from Rainier, the station, Cascade, the press."

__

And me? Jim thought.

Blair started pacing. "I know I've said this already, but I need time and some space to process what's happened. I'm going to leave town for a while." Blair stopped and watched for Jim's response.

Jim's heart raced _. Is he leaving for good?_ The Sentinel met his Guide's eyes. "Can I come with you?" he asked softly, afraid the answer would be "no."

Blair looked surprised.

"I am on sick leave. Until the doctor clears me for light duty I can't even go into the station." Jim indicated his leg. "Please, Blair?"

Sandburg ran his hands through his hair. He'd never even considered that Jim might want to go with him. But he was glad he did. Blair smiled. "Sure, Jim. I'd like that." 

Jim nodded, relieved. "Good. I'll call Simon and let him know. You think a week is long enough?"

Blair shrugged. "I really don't know, Jim. But you can always come back earlier."

Ellison shook his head as he gimped over to the phone. "No way. I am not leaving you." He reached the phone and so missed the confused look Blair shot at his back.

__

We do need to talk, Blair thought as Jim spoke to Simon.

There were a lot of unresolved issues that they needed to hash out if this partnership was going to work. They'd never really talked about what happened with Alex or about Blair's death by fountain. And that was where things had changed between them. _I never really thought about it, but that seems to be the marker, that whole incident with Alex changed how we relate to each other._

Blair's thoughts were interrupted as Jim called him from the kitchen.

"Hey, Chief, what if I call up to the lake and see if we can't get a cabin tonight? A little fishing, hiking, we can just hang out." Jim waited expectantly, hoping Blair would agree.

His Guide regarded him thoughtfully for a minute then nodded. "Sure, Jim. Sounds good to me. You think they'll have a spot this late?"

"Well," Jim replied, dialing the number, "it's off season for most campers, so hopefully. If not, we'll come up with something else. Why don't you get started packing while I'm getting the reservations."

"Okay," Blair said heading for his room.

****

An hour later they were on the road to the lake. They chatted a bit about the fishing and hiking they might do but avoided any serious conversation. That would come later. The last hour or so was spent in companionable silence, as both men were lost in their own thoughts.

They reached the lake and collected the keys to their cabin. By the time the truck was unloaded and supplies were stowed away it was time to hit the hay.

"Tomorrow we're going to talk, Chief," Jim said as they settled into their beds.

"We will talk, Jim, but could you give me tomorrow? I need some time, but tomorrow night we'll talk, I promise. I want to clear things up as much as you do."

"Okay, I hear that."

Blair chuckled. "You've been hanging around Naomi too much."

Jim grinned. "G'night, Chief."

"Night, Jim."

******************

****

Day 1

They were both up at dawn the next morning; Jim didn't even have to wake Blair up. After a big breakfast they parted way. Jim headed down to the lake to do a little fishing while Blair shouldered his pack for a hike in search of a quite meditation spot.

Blair spent most of the morning hiking. He stopped periodically to watch the wildlife or check out some of the plants, but he was looking for a specific place. Not that he knew where it was, but he was sure he'd know it when he found it. 

As he moved down the trail after a quick lunch, Blair wondered what Jim was thinking about today. He knew they both had things they wanted to get out in the open, but he wondered if they would both be thinking about the same issues. Blair's questions centered on the problems of opening up and trusting each other. He knew that what had happened with Alex and the dissertation could have gone a lot smoother if both he and Jim had just trusted each other in the first place.

__

It's strange to think after everything we've been through, that we can't trust each other. But that's not it exactly. I trust Jim with my life; it's his reactions that I don't trust. No, I know how he would have reacted, and we could have gotten through that, it was my trying to control the situation to change how he would react that caused the problem. He thought I didn't trust him and that fed his insecurities causing him to doubt me.

Blair walked into a nice quiet clearing in the trees. _This is it_. The peace in this place was palpable and just what he needed. He sat down in the center of the clearing, closed his eyes and let his mind wander.

__

Man, that makes it sound like it's all my fault! But there're two of us in this partnership and there's no reason he couldn't have stopped me and asked what was going on. I'm not going to take all the blame here. I'm tired of being the one who has to apologize all the time. Well, that's the way to be grown up about it. Geesh!

Okay, okay, so I'm pissed off, that's allowed. I just need to tell Jim and try to figure out how we can fix things. I really do want to be his partner, I'm not too sure about the cop thing. I still need to think about that, but not until Jim and I are square. Our friendship needs to be on solid ground before I even consider that step.

Blair took a deep breath and continued his meditation, letting his mind run off on all tangents hoping that one might lead to a solution.

****

As Blair started his hike, Jim had taken a seat at the end of the pier with his fishing pole. After several hours without a bite, he put the rod down and lay back to soak up the sun. It was a little chilly out, but the sky was clear and the direct sun felt good on his skin.

He reached out with his senses, enjoying the ease with which he was able to do so. _That's because of Blair, you know. Yeah, I know. You would have lost your mind years ago if not for him. I know. You almost lost him last year. I know. You almost blew it again with the dissertation. You still might lose him. Shut up!_

Jim sat up frustrated that his mind wouldn't give the same old argument a rest for just a little while. _We really need to solve this problem, Chief._ He rubbed his hand through his hair. _What could I have done differently? I should have listened to you when you tried to tell me about Alex. I should have paid attention to my dreams, but no, I ignored them then I tried to decipher them myself instead of telling you about them, that's what I should have done._

You think if I had told you about the wolf that maybe you wouldn't have had to die? I still don't know what was going on with me and Alex. Could I have done anything differently? I was working on pure instinct there I think. I certainly didn't have much control around her. God, I still can't believe I wanted her so badly even after she killed you, my best friend.

And after that, I could hardly bear to be around you for the shame. No wonder you couldn't tell me what Naomi did with your dis. I was acting like a royal jerk. Some friend I am, bring you back from the dead and then leave you to the wolves… sorry, bad pun.

Jim got up and went back to the cabin for some lunch. Afterward, he sat out on the porch watching the trail Blair had gone down. As the afternoon drug on, Jim cast his hearing down the path in search of his Guide. He found his heartbeat easily, calm and slow. _He's probably meditating_. Jim backed off, not wanting to eavesdrop in case his usually vocal partner decided to think through things out loud. The Sentinel leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He was soon dozing lightly.

A scream jolted Ellison from his chair on the porch and he was halfway to the hiking trail before he realized that the scream was continuing. But it wasn't a normal "I'm in trouble" or "I'm hurt" scream; it was a semi-controlled release of frustration and anger. Jim focused his hearing on Blair again, careful to screen out the scream even as it stopped and then was quickly followed by another.

Sandburg's heart rate was slightly elevated but not beyond what that sort of exercise would cause. Jim didn't hear anyone else nearby either. _Must be one of those primal screams you hear about._ He listened as this one tapered off and silence followed. _Seems like a better catharsis than breaking your hand on a wall. Maybe I should try it._

Jim grinned ruefully and shook his head. He just didn't think he could, even in the almost complete solitude here at the lake. Only Blair would hear. But Jim hated to lose control, even though the scream would be his choice, it would be a releasing of emotions that he didn't want to give free rein. _I'll go make dinner. He will be back soon I think._

Almost an hour later, Blair entered the cabin to the smell of chicken cooking. He met Jim's raised eyebrows with a small smile and went to clean up. Dinner was quiet and after the dishes were cleaned, both men sat on opposite ends of the couch facing each other.

"So," Jim said softly, "how do you want to do this?"

"It's not going to be easy, and it's not just me, you know we need to talk about a lot of different things, Jim."

"Yeah."

"Okay, I'll pick the first topic. I think the problem started around the time Alex came to town. She wasn't necessarily the cause, she just aggravated it."

"What problem is that, Chief?"

"We don't communicate."

"I know. It's my fault. I've never been good at discussing personal things, feelings, problems, my needs or wants. I thought I was doing better, then Alex showed up and…"

"Yeah."

"Blair, I should have told you about the dream and the wolf. I was so afraid that being close to me would get you killed. That's why I pushed you away, I don't really remember many coherent thoughts but I do remember thinking I had to keep you safe. Even if it meant losing you."

"Pushing me away wasn't the answer, Jim. But I should have seen what you were doing. I should have told you about the other Sentinel, about Alex, when I first found out. I thought I could make things easier and control your reaction by setting up the meet a certain way. I should have trusted you."

"As I recall, you tried to tell me and I brushed you off."

"Well, it was important and I should have made you listen."

"I was too busy trying to protect my Guide by pushing you away. I'm sorry, Blair. That's the last thing I want to do. I want you to stay, even if you don't go to the Academy. I need you as my friend. You are my best friend."

"Thanks, Jim. I really needed to hear you say that. You're my best friend too. I think of you as my brother, my family. And I want to stay, I just need to know we won't slip back to the old way of handling things. We have to talk about your abilities and any visions you might have."

"Or that you have."

Blair smirked. "Some shaman I turned out to be, huh? Seems my Sentinel has all the visions and dreams."

"You know, Blair, the role of the shaman is to keep the spirit of the tribe healthy, to teach and to guide. You do that and more, I don't think a few visions are going to make you any more the Shaman than you already are."

"I used to teach, Jim."

"Nonsense! You teach everyday by example. You teach kindness and compassion. You teach tolerance and open mindedness. I learn from you every day."

A small grin played on Blair's lips. "So, what did you learn today, oh student of mine?"

Jim responded quickly. "I learned that a primal scream can be a great catharsis if you're willing to let go."

"But you aren't."

Jim shook his head. "I thought about it. Actually came close to trying it, I just couldn't."

"You know, it's not that much different from when you give in to the urge to hit me with a pillow. You just have to let go. Trust that the worst thing that could happen is nothing."

"Nothing?"  


"Sure. If you go out there and scream at the top of your lungs, you should at least feel a little less stressed. If you feel nothing, then what was the point?"

"I don't know."

"Well, you don't have to scream, you could howl."

"Howl?"

"Yeah, you know, like a wolf. Aaahhhrroooo."

Jim looked unconvinced.

Blair grinned. "Oh, come on, man. Don't tell me that doesn't appeal to you? Okay, on three we'll howl together. Ready? One, two, three. AAAAAHRRRRRROOOOOO!"

Jim watched Blair tilt his head back and howl. His eyes were closed and the sound filled the room. It did look like fun. _Maybe_ … He joined his voice softly with Blair's when his partner started his next howl. "Aahroo."

"Come on, Jim, you were in the Army, I know you are louder than that. AAAAAAHR AAAHR AAAAHROOO!"

Jim followed Blair's example and for the next couple of minutes they tried to out-do each other in duration and loudness.

Finally, winded, they leaned back, laughing as they caught their breath.

Blair slapped Jim on the knee. "I knew you could do it," he grinned widely at his friend.

Jim chuckled. "Yeah, well, I am trying, Chief." He stared into Blair's eyes. "I really mean it. I want to make this work."

"Me too," came the soft reply. Blair picked at the pillow in his lap. "You wanna watch a movie or something?"

His friend nodded. "Yeah, I think we need a break."

They settled in to enjoy the movie knowing they weren't done yet, but feeling confident that they would work things out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

****

Day 2

Jim woke and automatically dialed up his hearing to find Blair's heartbeat. The kid was still sound asleep. The Sentinel smiled rolling onto his side to face his Guide's bed. Yesterday had been a good start, but they still had lot of ground to cover. Suddenly, Jim sat up. He needed his Guide.

He was beside Blair's bed before he stopped to question the urge. Blair murmured in his sleep and Jim forgot his concern. He needed his Guide.

Blair slept on his back with one arm thrown up over his head. The other arm rested across his chest. His hair fanned over the pillow. The Sentinel watched the rise and fall of his Guide's chest, heard his heartbeat and the soft breaths. He inhaled and smelled the unique scent that was Blair. Jim knelt by the bed and gently fingered the dark curls careful not to wake his Guide. He let his senses absorb the presence of his Guide.

Jim wasn't sure how long he knelt there by Blair's bed, but eventually the younger man yawned and stretched opening his eyes. They closed again to try to regain sleep only to pop open as the sight of his Sentinel beside the bed registered in his sleep-fogged brain.

"Jim? Is something wrong?" Blair asked sitting up quickly.

Jim stared at his Guide for a moment then blinked and stood up. "Uh, no. I just wanted to see if you were ready for breakfast. I didn't mean to wake you."

"Oh. It's okay. Yeah, I could eat. I'll be out in a minute."

Jim stood there a little longer then mentally shook himself. "Okay," he said then limped out of the room.

Blair watched him leave, not sure if it was a lack of sleep on his part or if Jim was acting strange.

Jim on the other hand knew he was acting strange. _That was weird. What is wrong with me?_ But even as he thought it, his senses ranged out searching for his Guide. He heard Blair get up and head to the bathroom. The Sentinel began making breakfast for his Guide.

***

Blair got up from the chair where he had been reading and confronted Jim. "Okay, Jim. Tell me what's going on."

Ellison pushed away from the wall he'd been leaning on. "What do you mean?"

"No way, man. This is what I've been talking about. You need to tell me what's wrong. You've been hovering all day. Watching me, listening to me, touching me, hell, I've even seen you sniffing me. What is going on?"

Jim stared at the floor. He sighed letting his shoulders fall. "I don't know, Blair. I just… I need…" he trailed off, not sure what to say.

"Jim? It's okay, just tell me. I'm not gonna judge you or be angry. I want to help." Blair put his hand on Jim's shoulder and shook it gently.

The Sentinel looked into his Guide's eyes. "I need to… I…" Jim moved away from his friend and sat on the couch. Blair sat beside him a few seconds later. "I woke up this morning and had this _urge_ to be near you," Jim blushed furiously, refusing to meet Blair's eyes.

"That's why you were by my bed?"

Jim nodded. "I can't explain it. I had to take you in with all of my senses. Usually just listening for your heartbeat helps me… center myself and get my senses under control. But they weren't out of control this morning they just kept focusing on you. I didn't really have a choice."

Blair worried his lip with his teeth. This sounded like more than a zone out. Definitely a Sentinel thing, but what. Why? Why now? "Okay. Let's look at this logically for a minute. We've been talking about opening up, you even made some progress yesterday," Blair grinned at the chagrin on Jim's face. "I've never found much information about the relationship between the Sentinel and his Guide. Burton only mentioned a partner that helped the Sentinel."

Blair stood and started to pace as he put his thoughts into words. "We know there's a bond, deeper than just friendship. We've both felt that bond," he looked at Jim, "and not just at the fountain."

Jim grimaced, but nodded. "Like when I _know_ you are in the building or when you're in danger."

Blair nodded. "I get that feeling too, when you're in trouble. Nothing solid, just a feeling."

Jim sighed. "Okay, so there's a… what? Psychic connection between Sentinel and Guide?"

His Guide shrugged. "I don't know. It's possible. I mean you did bring me back from the other side."

"Okay. Let's just for the moment say there is a deeper link. What does that have to do with me trying to tune into you with all of my senses?"

Sandburg shook his head. "I'm not sure. Maybe there's some ritual bonding that's supposed to happen between Sentinel and Guide to finalize the partnership. That could explain why we've been so… off. If we were supposed to… bond somehow, but we don’t know how and didn't know we were supposed to…"

Jim stood up and started his own pacing. "I don't know, Chief. This sounds a bit weird, even for us." He raked his hand through his hair. "I feel the Sentinel take over and I don't even want to fight it." Ellison met his partner's eyes. "I want to do what _he_ wants."

Blair swallowed. "What does he want?" he whispered.

"His Guide."

"Uh…"

Jim shook his head and mentally groaned his frustration. "Look, just forget what I said, okay. This is crazy. Let's eat and watch a movie." Ellison moved quickly toward the kitchen.

"Jim," Blair said following the bigger man, "I don't think this is something we can ignore."

"Yeah? Well, I'm gonna try. At least until I get something to eat. Don't push it, Blair. Please?"

"Okay, man. Okay. I hear you."

They worked on making dinner and then ate it silently. Blair noticed that Jim, or maybe it was the Sentinel, still seemed to be present. Every time Blair looked at Jim he was watching.

The two men cleaned up the dishes and settled down to watch a movie.

About an hour later, Blair looked up, startled to find Jim kneeling on the couch right beside him and facing him. "Uh, Jim?"

The Sentinel tilted his head, his nostrils flared, his eyes focused on the man in front of him. "Mine," he said softly.

"What's yours, Jim?" Blair asked, scooting further into the corner of the couch.

"My Guide," Jim said reaching out to touch Blair's hair.

"Yeah… I'm your Guide. You're my Sentinel," Blair replied, not quite sure why he responded the way he did. It just felt right.

Jim leaned in toward Blair, lifting the hair towards his face. Blair grasped the arm of the chair, panicking, not sure what was going on. He caught a finger on a hidden upholstery tack and yelped. Blair brought the sliced finger up to look at it and found his hand captured in Jim's.

The Sentinel looked at the finger. He could see the blood oozing out of the cut. The familiar smell of his Guide's blood filled his nostrils. He heard the pounding of his heart and felt the pulse beneath his fingers. The only thing missing was taste. The Sentinel pulled his Guide's hand closer and in one quick motion the finger was in his mouth and out again.

Blair gasped and tried to pull away. He knew he was no match for Jim, especially when the Sentinel was in play. But he couldn't help himself, he struggled to get away.

The Sentinel growled and pushed the Guide back down on the couch pinning him by the shoulders as he leaned over him ducking his head to scent the Guide. "Mine," he growled.

"Jim, you're scarin' me, man. Let me go," Blair pleaded, pushing against Jim's chest with his hands.

Jim lifted his head and Blair gasped again. Jim's irises were a golden yellow. This was the Sentinel, not his friend and brother.

The Sentinel sat back looking confused. "My Guide?"

Blair sat up and took a few deep breaths trying to get a handle on what was happening. Jim wasn't in complete control, but he wasn't out of control either. The Sentinel needed something from his Guide, Blair wasn't sure what, but it was obvious that the need was becoming more insistent.

Blair realized that he was feeling it too. A tingling sensation in the back of his head fought for his attention. Maybe not the same thing Jim was feeling, but there was something they had to do. The Guide needed his Sentinel as much as the Sentinel needed his Guide. _Okay, I guess it's time to open up like you've been telling Jim to do. What are you afraid of? Anyway, it's not like you haven't given everything up for him already. What's one more wall?_

But it was that last wall, the one that protected his heart that was the hardest one to break down. Granted, Jim already had his love, but this would be admitting it once and for all, opening himself up completely to the possibility of rejection. If Jim pushed him away with this wall gone, he'd have no defenses. _Of course, that's what I'm asking Jim to do too. So it's only fair._

The Guide grasped his Sentinel's arm and led him to the center of the rug on the floor between the couch and the TV. There was enough room there for whatever came next. Blair was nervous, but determined to do whatever his Sentinel needed, whatever they needed to get this bond set. It had been too long since they had felt comfortable together. Blair missed his brother.

Blair sat tailor style on the rug and took several deep, cleansing breaths, then he waited. He didn't have to wait for long. The Sentinel knelt behind him and placed both hands on his shoulders briefly. Blair felt warm fingers settle on both sides of his neck over his pulses.

The Sentinel leaned forward and whispered, "My Guide."

"Your Guide," Blair responded automatically, "my Sentinel."

The Sentinel lifted the dark curly hair with both hands and inhaled his Guide's scent. "Your Sentinel, Guide," he said laying the curls gently down against Blair's back. He moved around to kneel in front of the Guide, graceful even on his knees.

Jim placed a hand behind Blair's neck and gently, but firmly pulled him forward until their foreheads touched.

Blair gasped at the sudden jolt. He could feel the tenuous link between them. He could see the faint golden link, the same link they'd used to bring him back at the fountain. _It's so pale, anemic_. You'd think something strong enough to bring someone back from the dead would look stronger. _Undernourished. We haven't been using it. It's fading because we didn't accept it._ He suddenly understood.

The other end of the link glowed brightly. _Jim. How do we connect? This must be what he's been after. It feels right to me too, but how? JIM!_

He heard the panther growl. _Guide!_

Sentinel? Blair reached for the golden thread, the link and found himself hurtling along into the light. He stopped suddenly and found he was not alone in his head anymore. Thoughts and emotions that weren't his own pushed into his mind overwhelming him. Everything started to fade around the edges. The last thing he remembered was Jim's voice calling his name before everything went black.

**********

Jim struggled with the turbulent thoughts and emotions coming from Blair. They pounded at his mind, confused and apprehensive. He tried to calm his Guide, to reassure him through the link and suddenly everything was quiet.

He opened his eyes and moaned as he straightened his back to sit up. Blair fell forward limply into his arms. "Blair!" Jim cried gently lowering his friend to the floor. He scanned the younger man quickly with his senses and sighed. Blair seemed to be fine.

"Hey, Chief, wake up. Can you hear me?" he asked lightly tapping Blair on the cheek. His Guide mumbled something and curled onto his side tucking his hands under his head as a pillow. Jim's smile stretched into a yawn. He stretched out on the floor beside his Guide and was soon fast asleep.

**************

****

Day 3

Blair opened his eyes and found himself staring into Jim's steel blue gaze. He moaned and rolled onto his back realizing they were both still on the floor. A blanket lay over him and his head rested on a pillow, but he didn’t recall how they'd gotten there.

"You all right, Chief?" Jim's voice asked softly from just a few feet away.

He opened his eyes again. _Funny I don't remember closing them._ Fleeting images of things he didn't remember passed through his mind. _Oh, God! What happened?_ A memory: of himself running down the stairs of the Anthropology building to the fountain in the square. He saw the water logged form floating face down and leapt into the fountain. _Please don't let me be too late!_ The thought chilled his heart. He grabbed the body and with the help of several others pulled his friend onto the lawn. _Please, Chief, don't do this! I need you!_

"Blair?" Jim's concern broke the memory.

Blair shook his head and looked up, wide-eyed at his friend. "What…" he swallowed. "I just had a… I remembered something, only it was your memory of it."

Jim's eyebrows climbed. "What? What did you remember?"

The younger man sat up. "I… Me. At the fountain. Only I was you."

They sat in silence for a minute, trying to comprehend what had happened.

"Tell me what you remembered," Jim asked softly. He listened, as Blair spoke, Jim recalled every second as if it were happening all over again. When Blair stopped, Jim rubbed his hands over his face.

"Jim? What happened after that?"

Ellison shook his head. "I can't…"

"Please, Jim, I need to know."

Jim met Blair's eyes and softly told him about the frantic CPR he and Simon had performed. How the paramedics had called his TOD. But Blair only heard the first few words, after that the memory sprang full-blown on him once again. From Jim's memory he felt the panic, the desperation in each breath Jim forced into Blair's body. He recalled the heartfelt pleas, mostly unspoken, to God to not take his brother from him.

The loss of hope followed by fierce denial when the medics said it was over brought tears into Blair's eyes. He felt Simon's hands pull him away from the body. The anguish was unbearable, but a faint "thump, thump" caused hope to flair. He yanked away from Simon's grip and focused on Blair. _Yes! It is a heartbeat. Help me! Come back to me!_

Incacha. Use your animal spirit. Running through the jungle, see the wolf, run, jump, Blair!

Water gurgled in the chest beneath his hands and gushed out letting precious air into the starved lungs. He heard the soft, "Thank God!" Banks whispered as Blair inhaled for the first time in too long. Blair's blue eyes fluttered open for a second and he knew it was okay for his heart to rejoice. His brother was alive!

Blair blinked. Had the memory finished at the same time as Jim's recital? "Jim, why didn't you tell me before, man?"

Jim wiped the tears from his own face, tears he hadn't allowed to fall before. He'd come so close to losing his brother. He stood abruptly his fists clenched at his side. "I couldn't, if I had to think about it then I'd have to admit that I killed you. Not Alex, but me."

"What are you talking about, Jim? You saved me, you brought me back."

"NO!" Jim turned to face his friend. "If I hadn't thrown you out you wouldn't have been at Rainier. Alex wouldn't have gotten to you. I killed you, I knew I would and that's why I pushed you away. I should have told you about the dream, but I didn’t want to believe! I shot the wolf and I killed you, maybe I didn't hold your head under the water, but I may as well have!"

Jim trembled with the emotions he felt. Guilt, anger, fear, dread. How could Blair trust him? He'd killed his best friend.

Blair watched the play of emotions on Jim's face not sure what to make of his loss of control. He'd only seen Jim let his emotions go a few times, Danny Choi was the first time, and probably the one that Blair would always think of, until now. Now Jim had uncorked those emotions on his behalf and it felt… good?

Of course, it was only a small part of his feelings that had been let into the light. Probably the ones Jim would say were the most negative. But those emotions meant the positive ones were there too.

"What dream, Jim?" Blair finally asked, still sitting on the floor by the couch.

Jim groaned. "Not now, Chief."

"Come on, Jim. We've already opened this can, let's not waste the worms."

"That is so corny, even for you."

Sandburg grinned. "The dream, Jim. What do you mean you killed the wolf?"

The Sentinel sat beside his guide and told him about the dream, the one where he'd been hunting in the jungle and shot a wolf that had morphed into Blair.

It was Blair's turn to jump up and stalk across the floor. "Jesus, Jim! Don't you think I had a right to know about this dream when it happened? Why the hell would you shoot my spirit guide anyway?" He turned back waiting for an answer.

"I don't know, Blair," came a weary answer. "You know how much I hate dealing with the other worldly part of this Sentinel stuff. At first I thought it was just a dream. I mean, I'd been sensing something for a while and hadn't been sleeping well. We'd been dealing with one hard case after another… I guess I just put it down to exhaustion." He ran his hand through his hair.

"But I kept having it and the feeling that something was wrong kept niggling at me. I couldn't stand to have anyone in my space. I didn't understand what was happening, I… I was afraid. So I pushed. I pushed away the people who wanted to help me, and the one who could have helped me.

Part of me said it was to protect you and the others, because if I was losing it, you had to be away from me. Another part, the stronger fear said I was losing it and I had to keep everyone from seeing me fall apart."

"Jim." Blair paused trying to say this the right way. "Jim, you have to promise me, promise that you will tell me every dream or vision you have from now on, man. As soon as you can. Your senses give you an edge. It's not a psychic ability," he grinned ruefully at Jim's scowl, "but because they pick up so much information, you can't possibly process it all at once. So your unconscious mind may take important things that your waking mind missed and throw the information at you in these dreams. If you tell me, we can figure them out. Or at least work through your concerns about them. Promise me." Blair knelt in front of his brother and grasped his forearm.

"Only if you promise the same."

"What? I haven't had any visions."

Jim shook his head. "Just because you haven't had any yet, doesn't mean you won't. We have no idea what this… bonding will change or do to us," he tapped his skull, "up here. And you are the Shaman. So I will promise to tell you about any and all visions and dreams if you do the same. Deal?" he asked sticking out his hand.

The corner of Blair's mouth lifted in a half grin, but he took his partner's hand. "Deal."

"I'm starving," Blair said, pulling Jim up from the floor. "Let's eat."

They headed for the kitchen area. "Hey, Chief, do you think we're going to keep having these memory flashes?"

Blair turned. "Why? Have you had one too?"

Jim shook his head. "No, well, not anything as strong as the one you had. I've gotten a few shots. One where you're talking to Naomi about leaving Texas. You were upset." Jim continued, feeling like he was intruding on the younger man's privacy. "And one where you were, uh, thinking about Maya."

"Oh." Blair opened the fridge and started to pull out food to make breakfast. "I don't know, Jim. I remember what happened last night. Before everything went black on me I remember a rush of images and feelings. They hit me pretty hard."

"Yeah, me too."

As the eggs cooked, the two men were lost in their own thoughts and some of each other's. They sat down to eat.

"I wonder why Incacha didn't tell you about this?" Blair asked around a forkful of eggs.

"Probably because he knew I wasn't ready for it. Can you imagine me accepting that I needed to be spiritually and psychically bonded to someone?" He snorted at his own ignorance.

"It's still kinda hard."

Jim met Blair's eyes. "I know, Chief. But I am trying."

Blair grinned. "And you're doing great, Jim."

Jim smiled back and while they finished their breakfast they talked about what they should do today.

***********************

****

Day 4

It seemed so real. He was running down to the water and could see Jim and Alex. They were wrapped around each other. Something inside him froze and crumbled. _How can you?! How can you want that bitch? She killed me!_ "Jim?"

Jim and Alex turned and stood. Alex raised the gun. After too many long seconds Jim's hand forced the gun down, away from his Guide. "No." Jim took the gun and Alex ran.

He jogged down to his… to Jim. "Don't let her go, man." _Why doesn’t he just shoot her?! Do I mean that little to you? I thought we were friends. Why?_

Blair woke to the soft moans coming from Jim's bed. The Sentinel rocked from side to side trying to disperse a nightmare. Blair got up and shook Jim by the shoulder. "Wake up, big guy. It's all right. It's just a dream."

Jim's eyes snapped open. Blair stumbled back at the look of self-loathing that they held. "Jim, what?"

"How? How can you stand to be near me?" Ellison shouted, jumping out of bed to get as far away from Blair as possible. He couldn't bear to let anymore of his dirt touch the innocent.

"What did you see, Jim? Tell me," Blair insisted, Jim was as close to the edge as he'd seen.

"Me and… her!" he couldn't even say her name. "On the beach. God, Blair, I am so sorry," Jim fell to his knees covering his face with his hands. "How can you even think to stay with me when I betrayed you so horribly? I don't deserve your trust."

Blair moved over to sit beside his brother. "They certainly aren't giving us the easy ones to start with, are they?" he murmured, rubbing Jim's shoulder gently.

Jim jolted away. "Don't, I…" _I don't deserve your friendship. Stay away before I hurt you again._

"Jim," Blair said staying on the floor. "I won't pretend to understand what happened between you and Alex," Jim flinched at the name, "and I don't even know if I'll ever be able to forgive you for it." Blair sighed. "But I'm willing to leave it in the past if we can get our friendship back. Maybe someday we will understand what happened and be able to deal with it. Until then, just leave it."

Jim stared at Blair. _How does he do that?_ He sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. "Is this one of those "detach with love" things? Cause I never did understand that."

Blair stood and sat beside his brother. "No. This is one of those "I don't understand, but I'm willing to let it go" things."

"You just made that up."

"Uh, huh. Pretty good for… 4am, doncha think?"

Jim chuckled still not comfortable with what he had seen. "I guess I knew how much that thing with… her was hurting you, but I didn't, couldn't let myself dwell on it. I'm sorry. I hope…"

Blair was suddenly caught up in a memory. One he really didn't want to share with Jim, no matter how much it might explain. He saw Alex running toward him on the beach in that black thing she was barely wearing. It would take so little to get it off her. He could smell her. They fell into each other's arms. Her body melted into his, her lips tasted like honey. Her skin was silk against his fingers, get rid of the jacket. He pushed the filmy thing off her shoulders even as she removed his shirt. "Jim?"

The Sentinel looked up and saw his Guide on the beach. She raised a gun at the Guide. Her pull was so strong on his senses. But not as strong as his Guide's. He heard the howl of the wolf and forced her hand down. "No." _Do not hurt the Guide again_. She scowled at him and ran off.

Blair gasped for air. Jim reached out and grabbed his shoulder when it looked like the young man would slip off the end of the bed. "Blair? Did you have another one?" Sandburg pushed away and lurched into the bathroom. He barely made it to the toilet before his dinner came back up.

Strong, gentle hands held his hair back and offered him a cool, wet rag when his body was done purging itself. Blair nodded a small thanks to his friend and sat on the side of the tub. Jim leaned against the doorframe.

"What did you see?" he asked, wondering if he really wanted to know.

Blair whispered so softly that Jim almost didn't hear it. "The same thing, on the beach."

"Shit!"

"But I don't understand why. If I could have learned something from it, then okay. But I didn't, all I got was the same thing you told me that day. It was like some bestial instinct took over. All I, you, could do was follow it." Blair shuddered at the memory.

Jim frowned, a part of his memory resurfaced. "I remember thinking that I was drawn to Alex… that the feeling was strong, but not as strong as the bond between you and me. That's when my head started to clear a bit. I heard the wolf howl and I stopped her from killing you again."

Blair looked up and nodded. "That's what I saw, felt. It was like I was in a fog and a little bit of sunlight peaked through."

"Still doesn't explain the attraction though," Jim said disconsolately. "I think you're right though. Most of our trouble seems to have been magnified when Alex came to town. Afterward, I couldn't understand how you could stay with me. I'd hidden things from you, kicked you out, gotten you killed and then betrayed our friendship with the woman who'd killed you. I just kept waiting for you to realize what a jerk I was. Then you would leave on your own and I'd be alone again." He stared at the floor. "I guess I started distancing myself, so it wouldn't hurt so much when you left."

Blair considered Jim's words. He knew they were true. They explained all the little slights and the seeming lack of concern from a man he thought was his friend. "I told myself I wouldn't take any of the blame for this…"

"Well, don't, because it was my fault, I'm the only one…"

"Jim, stop. I'm as much to blame here as you are. You were afraid I would leave. And… I was afraid you'd make me leave. You kept pushing me away. Cutting me off, acting like you didn't need me. I see now that was your way of protecting yourself. But I was just as guilty of protecting myself. See, Jim, I figured if I just let you get away with your crappy attitude and stayed low on the radar that you'd let me stay. I was afraid that if I called you on all the shit you were giving me that you'd say "fine, Sandburg, I don't need you, get out." Then where would I be?" Blair shrugged his shoulders and fell back onto the bed his hands stretched out over his head. "God, how stupid can two people be anyway?"

Jim snorted. "If you judge by us, we'd best hit the next turnip truck out of town."

Blair chuckled.

"Okay, Chief, I need a promise now."

"What's that, Jim?"

"You've got to promise that no matter what happens you won't leave. Even if we have to take a trip to the lake every weekend to work things out."

"And you won't leave either, right?"

"Right, no one leaves."

"Okay, deal."

"Deal." The brothers shook hands, comforted by the knowledge that neither would sneak off into the night.

************************

****

Day 4 - later

"Jim? Have you had any more… urges to bond?"

He thought for a second. "No, why?"

"Well, I was just wondering if the only reason for the link was to let us "see" what the other was thinking or feeling. It seems a bit unlikely that that would be the case."

"I don't know, Chief, but I'll let you know if I start feeling that way again."

Blair chuckled nervously and shook his head.

"What?"

"Nothing." 

"Blair. No more secrets, remember?"

"It… well, it was just a little intimidating the way the Sentinel came after me. I was beginning to wonder exactly how far this bonding thing needed to go. You know?"

Jim straightened and stared at his friend. "You thought… we…"

"Well, hell, Jim, you were all over me, man. Sniffing and touching, I told you Burton just did not go into the Sentinel/Guide relationship at all. It wasn't all that unusual in the past for two men…"

"But it wasn't like that."

"No, it wasn't, it was much deeper than sex." Blair grinned a little.

"I think this is something we need to keep to ourselves, Junior. Heaven knows there's enough grist for the mill at the station already. Just imagine what they'd be saying if they found out we bonded." Jim grinned back shaking his head.

"Yeah, the talk never really bothered me much, except when they put you down. But I agree, this is a bit more than most people would understand."

"Even Simon."

"Yeah, even Simon," Blair agreed sadly.

***************

****

Day 5

"I'm sorry, Jim," Blair said as they walked together along the lakeshore.

"What for?"

"I never really understood what it's like for you when your senses are out of whack. I mean, I can't really know, but I understand a little better now."

"You had another memory."

"Yeah. A doozy. Remember when the doctor cleaned that wax build up out of your ears?"

"Yeah, that was fun," he said sarcastically.

"I thought I was going to go crazy just from the memory," Blair threw his hands into the air. "I really don't know how you managed to keep from killing someone. The noise was…"

"Annoying?" Jim grinned.

"NO! It was maddening." Blair sneaked a peek at Jim. "I remember being so frustrated at you. I found those white noise generators and just knew you'd be thrilled." He snorted. "All you did was nod and start on your paperwork. Not even a thank you."

Jim grimaced. "I can be a jerk, you know, that may never change."

Blair laughed. "Yeah, well, I know now what you were going through and that even with the WNGs you could hear a lot more than normal. You just weren't thinking straight. You still could have said thank you, but I _know_ you were grateful."

They walked on and came to a large tree trunk that had fallen and lay half on the shore and half in the water. Jim took a seat on it and gazed out over the lake. "You do so much for me, Chief. Things I don't even think about. I don't know how many uncomfortable situations you've saved me from by recognizing something that might overload my senses."

"That's my job, Jim."

"As a Guide, yes, but it's all stuff I should be watching for. Laundry detergent that doesn't make me break out in a rash. Dialing down my hearing when we enter the mall. Making sure the cook doesn't put too much of this or that in my meal at a restaurant. All those things should fall under self-preservation. If I were "normal" and just had a really bad food allergy, I wouldn't need a Guide to follow me around to watch out for things I shouldn't eat. But a friend, a good friend would double check those things for me." Jim looked at Blair. "It's your friendship that I need, Blair, much more than the Guide."

Blair cleared his throat and glanced away. "Thanks, Jim."

"Thank you, Chief."

**********

****

Day 6

"Damn, Blair. Do I always give you such a hard time?"

"About what, Jim?"

"When you give me advice about my senses. I've been recalling small segments and every time you say something you think might help control my senses, I shrug or grumble "not now."" Jim frowned at his friend. "Am I that bad?"

Blair grinned, amused that those memories had attacked Jim all at once. Seemed to be the same as the ones he'd had about "Blair not staying in the truck." "Naw, Jim, you're not that bad. You may grumble, but you usually do as I suggest. And once you know something will work, you accept it." Blair looked at the floor then glanced back up at his partner. "Do I always ignore your warning to stay in the truck?"

It was Jim's turn to grin. "Oh, only about 99% of the time."

"Oh."

"But honestly, out of that 99% I'd say at least 75% of those times I was glad you ignored me."

Blair smiled. "Hey, you know, if I go to the academy, you won't be able to tell me to wait in the truck."

"Yeah," Jim said thoughtfully. _That's one drawback, Blair will be even more in the line of fire as a cop._ "But it's not like you would be doing anything different. Only it would be official."

"I'm still thinking about it, Jim. I'm weighing all the pros and cons."

"I know. And whatever you decide is fine with me, Chief. Really."

************************

****

Day 7

"You ready to hit the road, Chief?"

"I'll be right out, Jim."

They loaded up the truck and started the drive back to Cascade. The mood in the cab was much lighter than on the trip up.

"It's been a good week, huh, Chief?"

"Yeah. I think we're going to be okay."

"Let's make one more pact. If one of us is feeling used or abused in this relationship, we pack our bags and head to the cabin asap, okay?"

"Sounds like a plan, man. Sounds like a plan."

The end


End file.
